


Bunnying

by reason_says



Category: Bandom, British Comedian RPF, Fall Out Boy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-18
Updated: 2007-06-18
Packaged: 2017-10-12 19:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/128074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reason_says/pseuds/reason_says
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bunnying re: Russell Brand/Pete Wentz. Inflicted upon Beckah's away message last night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bunnying

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge, this never happened. I am in no way affiliated with any of the real people referenced herein, and I am making no money from this.

AIM IM with danger suiside.  
6/17/07, 10:16 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : I realised something today.  
 **sonictransverter** : Russell Brand is "straight" in exactly the same way Pete Wentz is!  
 **sonictransverter** : It's kind of awesome to realise.  
 **sonictransverter** : Because, see, I read this article with Russell (by the way, yes, I know you're not there) where he said that he "tried" being gay. He wanted to be gay, because it would make things easier for him, considering "the way he is".  
 **sonictransverter** : Which is essentially like a gay man, except for all the sex he has with women.  
 **sonictransverter** : He's fussy about his appearance, he talks/walks/acts flamboyantly, and he's completely (UTTERLY) OK with hanging all over dudes.  
 **sonictransverter** : He's just "repulsed by them sexually".  
 **sonictransverter** : And, y'know, that's a LOT like Pete's "gay above the waist" nonsense.  
 **sonictransverter** : They'll both do pretty much anything with guys, as long as it doesn't involve penises.  
 **sonictransverter** : I never thought I'd have an excuse to write Pete/Russell, but THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT THIS IS.  
10:20 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : Because, you know, intra-band slash is just *boring* lately. First the crew, then britcom, and I just REALLY want to write this. Pete's half Hawaiian, right? Yeah. And Russell's in Hawaii right now, for some show or movie or other.  
 **sonictransverter** : I can DO SOMETHING with that!  
 **sonictransverter** : I don't know if I will, but I can!  
 **sonictransverter** : I seriously don't even know where this came from. Honestly! I wasn't TRYING to slash them, but they essentially have identical attitudes about gay sex, and that's just convenient, you know?  
 **sonictransverter** : Bah, I have no idea. I'm just babbling at an away message, really.  
 **sonictransverter** : If nothing else, this should amuse you when you get back from work.  
 **sonictransverter** : REALLY THOUGH.  
 **sonictransverter** : OK.  
 **sonictransverter** : The *only* straight thing about Russell is the sex he has with women. Which, you know, seems like a pretty significant thing, until you hear him talk, or, like, SEE HIM EXIST.  
 **sonictransverter** : And then the straight sex doesn't seem so much of an indicator, really.  
10:25 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : Pete's basically a *slightly* less faggy version of that.  
 **sonictransverter** : They're like kindred spirits!  
 **sonictransverter** : So Pete can be in Hawaii for some reason (because the other option is Russell being in LA, which is dangerously close to overlapping the Noel/Chris/J* thing I have going on there), and... happens across Russell. I don't *care* if Pete knows who Russell is, but pretty much everyone knows Pete Wentz, and Russell recognises him for what he is: as I said, a kindred spirit.  
 **sonictransverter** : They can hang out and not drink together, and Russell can do that thing he does where he fucking SOUNDS drunk, despite not having had a drink in going on five years. Where he just BLATHERS about NOTHING and Pete is a fan of that!  
 **sonictransverter** : That's mostly why he likes Gabe, you know it is. The drunk/high rambling.  
 **sonictransverter** : And with Russell, he gets that without the substances involved, which is nice, for once.  
 **sonictransverter** : And, you know, they probably make out a few times, without even thinking about it.  
 **sonictransverter** : Because they're THEM.  
10:30 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : And then, like, Pete tries to get his hand down Russell's (goddamn tight) pants, and they suddenly both sort of Jump Back, realising just what's happening here.  
 **sonictransverter** : And the next day they're kind of stilted around each other, but not to the point where the people around them notice anything different.  
 **sonictransverter** : (It suddenly occurs to me how WEIRD they would look to outsiders. Russell is over six feet tall, dressed all in black, with multiple belts and shiny things draped all over him, and Pete is... Pete. Short and with horrid fashion sense, but in a completely different way to Russell's. I just want to see that, srsly. Maybe Jo will manip it if I ask nicely.)  
 **sonictransverter** : So anyway.  
 **sonictransverter** : That whole day, they're sort of awkward around each other, but that night they go out not-drinking anyway. (That's what they've started calling it. Not-drinking.)  
10:35 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : And at one point, Pete just shakes his head and turns to Russell and says "You know what? This is silly. We're pretty much the same in terms of what we won't do, so what's the problem with doing those things with each other?"  
 **sonictransverter** : And Russell KNOWS there's a flaw somewhere in that logic, but it actually seems like a really good idea! Pete is little and funny and, let's face it, kinda perfect for Russell. In the eats-babies-or-possibly-molests-them-while-smiling-at-you way, you know.  
 **sonictransverter** : So they go back to Pete's hotel room and they try. Because in this weirdness, I'm pretending Pete actually *means it* when he says he's not had sex with men and doesn't really want to. So it's not like they can just shag right after deciding to.  
 **sonictransverter** : They have to start slow, you know? Handjobs first, then blowjobs. That's all for the first night, because they're genuinely not attracted to men in general, but dammit, they're making an effort for each other!  
 **sonictransverter** : (wow, this is complete and utter nonsense! \o/)  
10:40 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : So that's the first night. The next night, they decide to skip the middle steps they've seen in books and diagrams (they totally looked this shit up) and get right to the fucking.  
 **sonictransverter** : After some debate, it's decided that Pete should top Russell, at least the first time, because that's less ridiculous from an aesthetic standpoint. Russell is very concerned with aesthetics, you know.  
10:45 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : They both have Way Too Many Condoms with them just as a matter of course, so that's not a problem, though Russell balks at putting the condom on Pete.  
 **sonictransverter** : "I'm all for this as much as you are, but that's a step I'm not yet willing to take. Perhaps in a few days."  
 **sonictransverter** : Pete rolls his eyes, but secretly completely understands, and puts the condom on himself.  
10:50 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : And of course Russell has lube, because he's Russell. It's not like he's never had anal sex before (giving to girls *or* pegging), seriously. So that's all right.  
 **sonictransverter** : And it's... actually not that great. It's awkward, and Pete has his eyes closed for most of it, which fucks up his rhythm. Not to mention they're both sort of *trying too hard* to be into it, because they're not *really* gay.  
 **sonictransverter** : It's just that they're perfect for each other, and they'd be stupid not to do this!  
 **sonictransverter** : So when that awkwardness is over, they sort of flop next to each other on Russell's bed and exchange incredulous looks.  
10:55 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : And Russell says "D'you think we should try again?" And Pete quickly shakes his head and says "No, no, definitely not." Then he thinks, and says "Not tonight, at least."  
 **sonictransverter** : "Yeah, yeah." Russell thinks about it. It wasn't really *that* bad. It was just... different. Not even that different to some things he's done before, so he can't actually explain why it matters so terribly that he get *this* right. It just does, and he knows he won't be satisfied with himself until he masters gay sex.  
 **sonictransverter** : Only with Pete, though. Because otherwise it'd just be odd.  
 **sonictransverter** : (Yes, I'm totally reading ceej's fic right now, shutup.)  
 **sonictransverter** : I thought of this BEFORE I started reading it, ok.  
 **sonictransverter** : So they go to sleep, and when Pete wakes up halfway through the night and finds Russell sort of twined around him, he doesn't try to extricate himself. Just scrunches closer and closes his eyes again.  
11:00 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : I... actually have no idea where I can even go with this. Like, really, I think this is pretty much as far as it can go.  
 **sonictransverter** : Who knows, I'm leaving this window open, so if I think of anything else I can spam you with it, but I think I may have taken it as far as I can.  
 **sonictransverter** : They have sex again the next night, and it's a lot better, now that they've found an actual rhythm and aren't so afraid to have their eyes open.  
 **sonictransverter** : They start sitting on the same side of booths when they eat together, and Pete visits the shooting locations, and Russell's agent gets a frantic call from the director of [whatever Russell's working on], worrying that this will affect his performance.  
 **sonictransverter** : And his agent just laughs, saying essentially "it's about time", and that this won't affect Russell's work any more than his flings with random island girls did.  
11:05 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : He's not exactly right about that, as it turns out. Russell is *happier* now that he and Pete are whatever. It's like there was this door inside him that had been locked all his life, and now it's been opened.  
 **sonictransverter** : He feels a lot like he did after the Hare Krishnas told him about the grand truth of the universe, actually.  
 **sonictransverter** : He kind of wants to work it into his live show somehow, but that would raise more questions than it's worth.  
 **sonictransverter** : So he just sticks with being personally happy.  
 **sonictransverter** : Pete goes back to LA eventually, because that's... where he lives. I still don't really know why he was in Hawaii to begin with.  
 **sonictransverter** : But he and Russell email each other, and don't tell anyone else about what happened.  
 **sonictransverter** : Not that they're specifically hiding anything, just that it's really no one's business. And Pete usually doesn't mean it when he says things like that, but in this case he really does.  
 **sonictransverter** : Oh, OK, I guess *that's* where I was going with it.  
 **sonictransverter** : Huh.  
 **sonictransverter** : *shakes head*  
11:25 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : So, y'know, I think all this really means is that I desperately want fic where people take declarations of gay virginity seriously! What if Wentz really is ONLY gay above the waist? What if Russell ISN'T shagging Noel?  
 **sonictransverter** : It merits thought!  
 **sonictransverter** : Because it's sort of taken for granted that Pete, at least, is just lying when he says things like that.  
11:30 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : And Zee's fic almost went with that, but I want something that addresses it the way HE does!  
 **sonictransverter** : And no one in his life is going to take that seriously, I'm sure of it, so what he really needs is someone just like him!  
 **sonictransverter** : Which, as terrifying as it seems (even to me), Russell is!  
 **sonictransverter** : Haha, I've been reading back over this. What's wrong with me? Srsly.  
 **sonictransverter** : I genuinely don't understand why I can't just stick to bands anymore. I could blame Nat, but that only works for Chris. The rest of the crew isn't her fault, and the Britcom *definitely* has nothing to do with her!  
11:35 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : I can't even blame Jay for that, because I started looking up Booshfic all on my own. He never even mentioned it!  
 **sonictransverter** : I mean, of course he made me watch the Big Fat Quiz Of The Year, but that's nothing! The inherent gayness in that is something I'm just USED to by now!  
 **sonictransverter** : So, basically, this is a mystery. One that translates to not being able to post any of my fic anywhere! \o/  
 **sonictransverter** : O hay, I'm babbling! Fun. *shakes head*  
 **sonictransverter** : I'm just confused at myself, is all.  
11:40 PM  
 **sonictransverter** : Bah, I'm going to bed now. Hopefully I won't reread this in the morning and want to shoot myself. *waves at*


End file.
